Foundations to boundaries in relationships
Early in my counseling journey, I came across the concept of boundaries. At the time, I hadn’t really given them much thought, let alone considered their role in my life. I quickly found that I was lacking some necessary boundaries in my life. This is the first part in a 4-part series on relational boundaries. In this blog, I'll be addressing what relational boundaries are, the mental work side of boundaries, and the beginning process of setting boundaries. In the following 3 blogs, I will dive further into why relational boundaries are important, how to know when it's time to start adding them into your life, and finally how to set and maintain boundaries. Whether you're new to the concept, as I was, or you're on a journey to grow in your use of relational boundaries, I hope you find this blog series helpful.
What are Relational Boundaries?
All throughout life we have boundaries that we set. They can be intentional or unbeknownst to us. They can be boundaries in relationships, boundaries with work, boundaries with our own selves. They can be chosen ones we have implemented, natural ones we leaned into, or they can be boundaries set upon us by others. Regardless of how they’ve looked in our lives, they are critical ways of safeguarding a healthier version of our mental, emotional, and physical states. I will be focusing on boundaries within relationships with others.
Boundaries are a personal method of instilling restrictions, guidelines, or expressed needs into our relationships and interactions with others so that we might promote health in them while limiting that which is unhealthy. After finding areas of discontent, disappointment or disfunction in your relationships, boundaries give you the power to determine what plan of action you can take to remedy, transform, or remove those aspects of relationships depending on your needs. Using boundaries allows a person to voice their needs and bring their needs into higher priority for themselves and with others. Whether implemented in friendships, with family, or with significant others, boundaries can play a key role in our journeys of growth and our healthy connections with other people.
Start with the Mental Work of Boundaries
In the cognitive behavioral therapy that I have done with my counselor, we closely link mental reframing and transformation alongside the practical tangible work. This was done before even entering into physically setting boundaries such as not talking with someone, vocalizing my need to not be hugged, or asking to not speak about other people's relational problems. I had to do the mental work to find out what level of boundary I felt I needed to set. Often in counseling, the work we do involves a lot of mental imagery. Just like one might create a mental image of a calm place, I began to work on creating mental images of boundaries I needed to have in my life.
In my imagery, I chose to represent myself as a little cottage on a ranch. Surrounding my land is a barrier/protector. Outside of that barrier is the people I was in relationship with that I was needing to set boundaries with. I then created different options for what that boundary would look and feel like. If that person was in a healthier space and they were not triggering me or making me feel uncomfortable, I might choose to have a white picket fence with a lot of spaces and holes throughout which allows for conversation and feels like a looser boundary with that person. If that person was not as healthy or was more triggering, I could alter that fence to look more like a closed picket fence with no holes or gaps, so that the only way for interaction is if I chose to open the gate. If that person was very unhealthy, or very triggering, I might feel unsafe, or uncomfortable, and need stricter boundaries. I would change the fence to become a brick wall with no gate and no opening or option for interaction until either the person changed, or I found a space where I could better handle the triggers I experienced when around them.
The point of the imagery is it gave an internal feeling of safety and control. It meant that before I even took the brave step of instilling boundaries with someone, I had the power to begin by instilling mental boundaries. It gave space for recognizing what I needed in that relationship. This could then be used as a guide to reveal to me the level of safety and comfortability I felt with that person so that I could better determine what I needed boundary-wise.
This mental work also allowed for me to have a space to begin the work of differentiation. Differentiation is being able to better distinguish and separate myself from other people. If I struggled to differentiate myself with someone, I might realize that either they were trying to dump all their burdens and problems on me, or I was trying to take them on myself. I could use this mental work to ask myself if that burden belonged on my side of the fence or on theirs. Once realizing the proper place for those burdens, I could do the work to clean out my land. I could place that burden back into their property, where it belonged. Now, I could mentally push back as they were seeking to bring me into their space of unhealth. I could then do boundary work to find what was necessary to stop their stuff from coming into my land when I interacted with them outside of that mental space.
The Beginning Process of Setting Boundaries
If you find that imagery and mental work is right up your alley, consider taking time to create your own visualization of how boundaries can look in your life. Create a visual representation for yourself, the people you're wanting/needing boundaries with, and an object that can be used to represent different levels of boundaries. Once you've done this, you'll be able to start making plans for instilling different boundaries that fit into the level of boundary you wish to have with someone.
If this mental work is not your cup of tea, that's okay. My journey incorporated it, but it doesn't have to. Become more aware of your body and your responses/reactions to people. If you notice yourself feeling uncomfortable or triggered with someone's words or behaviors, take note of those moments. Then take some time alone and write out different ways that you could address those situations in the future. Write out different options for boundaries you could put in place that would promote your feeling of health and safety in your interactions with that person.
Conclusion
If you still feel uncertain whether boundaries are something worth exploring, consider checking out the next part of this blog series, "Why are Relational Boundaries so Important?" to see the benefits that come from boundaries. Then, decide for yourself if it's something you would like to begin to work on. Relational boundaries can feel intimidating. In my own journey with them, I struggled with them because I feared I would cause disruption and breaks in my close relationships. Boundaries do not have to be something you take a deep plunge into, but rather something that you can gradually grow in learning how to do and patiently implement at a pace that does not feel too overwhelming or stressful. It might not be a quick and easy process, but relational boundaries can be a crucial tool that will allow your relationships with others to flourish in new and healthy ways.
*** Anything written in this blog is based on my own personal experience and not a professional opinion. If you or someone you know is struggling with any mental health issue, please speak to a professional. For a list of some mental health resources and contacts available to you, please download the file below. ***
Thank you for checking out the first part in the series on relational boundaries! I hope you enjoyed reading it and found something helpful or interesting. Keep an eye out for the next 3 parts in the series. Subscribe to emails below or follow the blog on social media @mindonthepath to be notified of the release of the next part of this series, "Why are Relational Boundaries Important?". Happy reading!
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